Learning The Difference Between Realism And Low Self-Esteem

The most convincing lies don’t sound cruel, they sound “reasonable.” That’s why the phrase “I’m just being realistic” can quietly become a cover for low self-esteem or imposter syndrome. Sophia sits down with Anne Chester, licensed clinical social worker, to sort out the difference and to name what’s actually happening when you keep hearing “I’m not good at that” in your head. We talk about humility, self-doubt, and why so many of us fear looking prideful even as we shrink our own voice.

We break down the clinical shape of low self-esteem: it goes global, rigid, and distorted, turning one limitation into a verdict about your worth. Then we contrast that with imposter syndrome, where you can be visibly competent and still feel like you’re one mistake away from being exposed. Anne shares simple examples that make the line clear: realism evaluates capacity and energy, while self-esteem attacks identity. We also explore how these patterns often flare up for women during big transitions, like stepping away for a newborn and re-entering the workforce, when overwhelm and comparison can distort what’s true.

To close, Anne offers practical therapy-informed steps to rebuild trust in your own judgment: identify the self-defeating script, take one small risk, loosen the perfectionistic “ideal standard,” and ask, “What support do I need?” Realism helps you move; self-attack keeps you stuck. If you found this helpful, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find these tools.

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Transcript

Welcome And Free Consult Offer

SPEAKER_01 0:03

You're listening to Ask Anchester, Therapy Talk, a podcast where life's tough moments meet real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-knop set. If you've ever thought, there's gotta be a better way. You're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne, because as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

When “Realistic” Sounds Like Doubt

SPEAKER_02 0:47

Sometimes the voice we call realistic is actually self-doubt wearing a very convincing disguise. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Ann Chester, licensed clinical social worker. And how are you feeling as we jump into this conversation?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

I think this is so important. This is something I see all the time. And it's something I think that strikes a nerve because none of us want to be perceived as prideful. And then what is humble look like? And what is false humility? So I think it's really important to talk about this because that kind of flows into that thought that we all have. I think we all like to believe that we're being honest with ourselves. Um, and it is important to be honest with ourselves and have a good sober view of who we are and who we are not, and what our skill set is and what our skill set is not. Um and that's totally healthy and normal. I would make a terrible accountant if I'm not good at spreadsheets, but I also don't have the energy to learn them. And that is me being honest with myself. So, you know, we all have those thoughts. I'm not good at that. I'm probably not the right person for this. I don't want to overestimate myself. But what if that's not really honesty? What if it's actually self-esteem or imposter syndrome wearing the mask of realism? So I had a mentor once that told me, Ann, you're good at a lot of things. Um, you need to quit saying I'm not good at that. And what she was pointing at were my own struggles with self-esteem. I think everybody struggles with that. Um, and you know, my statement about I would not make a good accountant accountant because I don't like spreadsheets and I don't have the energy to learn. The hinge difference there is I don't have the energy to learn. And I love my job. I'm not saying I wouldn't make a good accountant because I don't believe in myself or I don't believe something else. It's really I just don't have the energy for it. And that's realistic. And it sounds almost identical to that statement. I'm not good at that. Um, and I'm not good at that is filtering a skill through a lens and maybe a perfectionistic lens of this is what it should look like if I'm good at that. Um and that's an important thing to think

Low Self-Esteem Vs Imposter Syndrome

SPEAKER_00 3:38

about. So love is low self-esteem is a persistent internalized belief that you are less worthy, less capable, or less valuable than others, regardless of evidence. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve a good relationship, I don't deserve a job that pays me what I would like to be paid. Um it's about our identity and how we see ourselves. And it's this thought that there is something fundamentally lacking in me. Imposter syndrome is a little bit different, um, but very fascinating. People with imposter syndrome present as extremely competent. People rely on them to be competent, but it's a belief that that success is not deserved, or you're going to be exposed for being a fraud despite the evidence of competence. So realism um is the ability to accurately assess your strengths and limitations without distortion or self-attack. You know, um I would not make a good accountant because I don't, I'm not good with spreadsheets and I don't have the energy to learn them. Realism. I would not be a good accountant because math just doesn't make sense to me and I'm just not smart enough. That's poor self-esteem. If I presented myself as an accountant but sat at home, even if I was a real accountant, which I am not an accountant, just to be clear, if I presented that myself in that way and then went home and just had all these thoughts of I can't believe people trust me, I'm not competent, why would anyone trust me? And that anxiety that I come with of I just can't really do this, that's more that imposter syndrome.

How It Shows Up For Women

SPEAKER_00 5:37

So some ways that this show up, especially for women, you know, if we maybe take a season of work off to take care of a newborn baby, and then re entering the workforce is a place that low self-esteem shows up a lot because we think we're not as capable as we used to be, or our skills are outdated, or who's gonna want me? I all I do is change diapers and chase toddlers. Um, it's being caught in the overwhelm and feeling whatever the feeling is, maybe I can't juggle both, or I'm I'm out of touch with my industry. And there are people that truly just want to be stay-at-home moms, and we don't want to dismiss that. And that's a realism thing. It's people that feel they can't go back, or they're not good enough, or they don't deserve to go back. So, you know, when we talk about self-esteem, it's an overwhelm that holds you in a place and doesn't necessarily resolve.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Wow, that makes a lot of sense. A question for you though what is the difference between that realism and self-awareness?

SPEAKER_00 6:53

So self-awareness is a really big clinical word right now, and I don't want to minimize it because I think being self-aware is important. My statement about the being an accountant is realism and self-aware. I am self-aware, the spreadsheets, I struggle with, you know, really conceptualizing a spreadsheet. My brain doesn't work that way. Um, and so I have a self-awareness that that's an area in my life it's that I really do need some help and assistance with, um, accounting at my office, or, you know, I can manage my budget just fine. But if I had to sit and like really managing the accounting piece, I have a CPA for that, and he's amazing. Um so realism is accepting the reality of this is who I am, these are my skills and my gifts and talents, and I'm going to work within that. And I have what I need to be successful and find the help I need to be successful. Self-aware is being honest with myself of it's okay to not have that skill that doesn't make me less of a person. If that makes sense. So, you know, the other thing is we want to think, you know, when we think about realism and self-aware, um we also want to think about self-sabotage. A lot of times, people that have chronically low self-esteem chronically self-sabotage for the simple fact that when they fail, there's an out. Realism and being self-aware doesn't engage the self-sabotage. They engage you engage yourself as who you are and operate out of the core of who you are and your values. And values are a sticky word, but we all have different things that we value. Um, and that's what makes us different and beautiful and helps the world go around. Um, and I'm not talking about value systems as opposed to like what I believe and what I don't believe and who's right and who's wrong, but values like, you know, I I know Sophia, you're a beautiful person and you value beauty. You know, that's something an aesthetic that's really important to you. Um and I'm a social worker, so you know, valuing people and dignity. That's my world. I I love to value dignity in whatever form that it comes in. So when we think about value, that's kind of a different way to think about it. And that's the kind of value I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Understood. Wow. Those are some great things that we have gone over today.

Small Risks That Rebuild Trust

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Now, before we close out today, what's one practical way to rebuild trust in your own abilities and judgment when you do kind of get to that self-defeating place?

SPEAKER_00 10:09

So, with self-esteem, the first thing is we have to be able to identify it in ourselves. It's global, it speaks about our whole self and not just one thing. It's rigid, so we don't have room for growth or change. Um, it limits us because it reduces action and voice. It's distorted because it ignores evidence that contradicts a negative belief. Um, and it's not neutral. It's a I'm not good at this. So if we want to look at just kind of one thing, look for a risk that is small that you could take. Look at where your ideal standard on that risk is and see if you can set the standard aside and come up with a I can enjoy that and this could be good enough. You know, can I be authentic and you know, just go out for that moment instead of hiding at home because I'm I'm scared. Or can I take a risk and make an outline for a writing project that I'm doing instead of waiting for the last minute? So look for a little place of risk to challenge yourself and talk to a professional. Um and and look at your framework. Realism always evaluates our capacity, but it doesn't question our worth. It says, what support do I need? What's one step I can take? Where can I get help? And realism lets us move where poor self-esteem won't let us move. It keeps us stuck. So that's kind of a big thing to think about.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

And thank you so much for helping us sort through this with so much compassion and honesty. We'll see everyone next time.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Thanks, Sophia.

Closing And How To Connect

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Ann at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817 939 7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.