Shalom: Forgiveness, How to Wish Someone The Best and Move Forward

How Can We Offer Forgiveness?

Holiday tables get loud even when no one raises a voice. We unpack why brokered peace—those fragile truces built on unspoken rules and tiptoeing—so often collapses under the weight of expectations, and how a deeper practice of shalom helps you keep your center without controlling anyone else. With Anne Chester, LCSW, we break down the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, why “fair” is subjective, and how boundaries can create safer, saner relationships without requiring agreement or constant emotional labor.

We walk through a set of reflective questions that calm reactivity and reveal what really hurts: the story you’re telling about someone’s behavior, the older wound it touches, and the value that feels crossed. You’ll learn how to stop managing everyone’s feelings—a hallmark of codependency—and start owning what’s actually yours: your words, your presence, and your limits. Anne shares practical language for tense moments, including a simple “Maybe so” that declines conflict while preserving dignity on both sides, plus rituals and journaling prompts that help you release resentment you’ve carried for years.

If the season stirs up anxiety, guilt, or that ache of loneliness in a crowded room, this conversation offers grounded tools to navigate family dynamics with compassion and clarity. We explore how to wish someone well without reopening old battles, how reconciliation depends on mutual growth and humility, and how to honor your values without demanding validation. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review telling us: what boundary will you protect to keep your peace this year?

To learn more about Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling visit:
https://www.AnneChester.com
Anne Chester™, LCSW Counseling 
122 River Oaks Drive 
Southlake, Texas 76092 
817-939-7884 

Transcript

Welcome And Holiday Peace

SPEAKER_02 0:03

You're listening to Ask Anchester, Therapy Talk, a podcast with life's tough moments, real talk, a little humor, and the expertise of Anchester, licensed clinical social worker. Anne helps Texan women in the middle of life navigate anxiety, depression, and trauma with compassion and a no-nops action. If you've ever thought there's gotta be a better way, you're in the right place. And good news, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Anne. Because, as she says, it doesn't have to be that way. Now, let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

When closure feels impossible, forgiveness can be your quiet revolution and your path to peace. Welcome back, everyone. I'm Sophia Ayvet, co-host and producer, back in the studio with Ann Chester, licensed clinical social worker. Ann, how's it going?

SPEAKER_00 1:02

It's going well. How are you, Sophia?

SPEAKER_01 1:05

I am doing great this morning and so excited to be diving in with you to something that resonates deeply with so many of your clients and honestly with all of us at some points in life. Shalom, forgiveness, how to wish someone the best and move forward. How do you guide someone through that process when the hurt still feels fresh?

Fragile Agreements And Expectations

SPEAKER_00 1:27

You know, I love the word shalom over peace, and that I was excited to do this. We're about to embark on the holiday season, or we are. Thanksgiving's a couple weeks away. And this is a really interesting time of the year. We hear songs about peace and peace and goodwill and hope and peace on earth. It's you can't escape it, it's everywhere. But most of us really don't feel peaceful, nor do we really understand what that is. We navigate family dynamics, expectations, memory, grief loss. There's a lot of grief loss at the holiday, and I think we forget that. Or even if you're sitting in a family setting, you just feel lonely. And we just are trying to hold it together and get through. I used to call it the parallel play of the holidays because everyone would sit at the table, eat as fast as they could, rinse the dishes off, and leave, or, you know, find a way to not talk to each other because there are so many dynamics at the holidays. But I realized that the kind of piece we talk about at this time of year is a brokered piece. So it's I'm going to bring the mashed potatoes and you're going to bring the turkey, and I'm not going to make comments about the opinions that I have about you, and you're not going to make comments about me. And we're just going to try and be civil and behave. And a lot of times there's just passive-aggressive digs or posturing, you know, whether it's a rolling of the eyes or just something with your body language that is really, really loud. Several years ago, I trained to be a mediator. It's not work that I do most of the time, but it was a very, very fascinating training because we learned about negotiated peace. So you have parties come to the table, maybe it's a custody plan, maybe it's property division, and you just say, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. And we see it in the news with like a ceasefire. I'm not going to do this, and you're not going to do that, and these are going to be our boundaries. But it's a piece that's built on behavior and terms. And so both sides still walk away from the table with their feelings, and they also have a perspective on how that person should follow through with the things that they have agreed to do. And the peace, I think, becomes very fragile because when a person doesn't live up to expectation and the things that we should do or they should do, all those feelings resurface and you feel so angry. So that's the kind of peace we hold a lot in our relationships. And we hold them with our families, and a lot of times even with neighbors. It's just, I'm going to try to not say the wrong thing. I'm going to try to manage everybody else's feelings. By the way, that's codependency. And I'm going to agree to terms that feel tolerable so that we can get through the season without conflict. And it doesn't touch what's really happening in our hearts. And it doesn't make for the joy and magic of the holidays that we all really, really want. So when we're chasing brokered peace, we just feel yucky. When we are chasing what I like to call shalom, that peace has to do with us. It says, I wish you the best, but I am not responsible for your behavior. I am not responsible to make sure you feel good about things. I am responsible for me and to be kind and gracious and show up as the best version of me. And how you choose to respond is about you. So it's not about me agreeing that I'm not going to say anything about this horrible thing you said to me, or I'm not going to judge you. It's that I'm going to show up as the best version of myself to celebrate a holiday. You know, Thanksgiving is gratitude to celebrate the good things in life. It's about what's inside of me. And I'm not sarcastically saying, I wish you the best or dismissively saying that. It truly is, I wish you the best. I hope that the best happens for you. And I am responsible for my happiness. You are responsible for yours. And I'm not going to carry the conflict, and I'm not going to put a definition around it.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Amen. Now, how do you help clients separate forgiveness from reconciliation?

SPEAKER_00 6:08

So reconciliation is the term that we use. I think the most common term, I reconcile my checkbook, I make it balance out. So it really gives that idea of balancing. Reconciliation with people, when you try to balance things, it just doesn't work that way because fair is a relative concept. You know, this is fair, that's fair, it's relative. So you're not looking for that. And sometimes you have to think outside of what fair is because your definition is different than theirs. Reconciliation means different things at different times. I did a podcast episode on making apologies. Um, the reconciliation that I have with that person in that podcast episode is that we really do wish each other the best, but we don't necessarily have deep, intense conversations. Um and I think that's a healthy form of reconciliation because we can enjoy a party together and share pictures of our kids and and talk about meaningful things, but there's not a huge depth to the relationship. And I think that's totally fine. I have some good friends that got divorced right around the pandemic. And I love listening to her talk about how the pandemic taught them how to work together. So they are just the best of friends, but they don't ever want to be married, they just aren't good married. So reconciliation is a broad term that looks at how does the relationship change. Shalom says, I may not be in relationship with you anymore, but you don't rent space in my head, and I'm at peace. And maybe I set a boundary with you that I needed to set. Maybe it's one that keeps us in relationship together, and maybe it's not.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Well, and I think the other thing to keep in mind too, and we can probably make this a whole nother episode, is for reconciliation to happen, both people have to have grown enough to see things from each other's point of view, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

They have to have grown as people, and I think there has to be humility, a real humility because I have to be able to look at you and say, I wounded you and you didn't deserve that. And I should not have approached you in that way, and I should have assumed the best about you.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Most definitely. Now we can go further into that in another episode, but can you share a metaphor or exercise? It helps clients visualize emotional release, no matter which direction they want to take that relationship.

Forgiveness And Reconciliation

Growth, Humility, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 9:00

I always like to start with reflective questions before I go to an exercise. So a lot of times when we lose our peace, it's because we're offended and offended in some way. And sometimes the offense has to do with some experience we had 15 years ago, and we are filtering the current experience through that offense, or maybe there's a transference, you know, and we're talking to that person trying to resolve something else in our world. So when you feel offended, the first thing we want to do is what exactly felt hurtful to me? What happened there? What emotion am I feeling right now? Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, guilt. Guilt is a big one. We always forget about guilt and shame. And what did I really expect from this person that I didn't get? People can't fill our needs. What story am I telling myself about what their behavior means? If you find yourself pulling out a chat GPT and typing in someone's behavior for an analysis, you're in that boat. You're telling yourself a story about what the behavior means. So that's where I'd like to start. Then once you've kind of journaled on that, we always want to start with ourselves. How am I responding to this situation? Because we don't change other people, but we can change ourselves. Then a next set of questions would be: is this situation touching an older wound or insecurity in me? That's where a good meditation might come in handy. If I've journaled out and realized, oh, this reminds me of this, or, you know, I'm talking to a teacher that was really cruel to me and transferring it on this person, that's where, you know, maybe you have an exercise of saying goodbye, lighting a candle to that person and wishing them well, or, you know, whatever meditation is meaningful for you. Um then we want to look at our own value system. What is the value that I have here that was crossed? What is the need that I have that was crossed? And values, I think we forget everybody's values are really individual. So, you know, a person that values thrift is going to be really different than perhaps a person that just values luxury and neither is right or wrong. It's a different set of values. Um in my family of origin, they're just really smart people and they value order, a lot of order and discipline. And I value compassion and social justice. So you can imagine that sometimes that creates a conflict. And I have to remember your values are your values, these are mine, and neither one is wrong. And it takes both of us to make the world a beautiful place. And I'm going to respect that value and not try to convince you that my value is superior to yours. Another one we want to ask is what am I trying to protect in myself right now? And we feel offended. We need, we have this need to protect. So are we protecting a wound? Are we protecting a person? Are we protecting a family? And how do I give myself compassion? Acknowledge that wound and how that hurt me. How do I give the person I'm talking to compassion and assume the best? Most people aren't out to get us. They really aren't. And then look back at yourself. What can I take responsibility for in my actions? I'm not taking responsibility for your actions. And, you know, I said or did whatever I said or did, but I don't have a crystal ball to predict your response. So as long as I wasn't being like a complete jerk and I was acting in shalom, was wishing someone else the best, bringing the best version of myself to the table that I had that day, which might be different every day, then I need to release myself of responsibility for someone else's reaction. Um actually, I just need to do that anyway. I can't make someone stop drinking. I can't make someone have a good attitude. Um, I can't make people do anything. I'm only responsible for myself. And what's mine to carry is mine, and I'm gonna let you carry your stuff. And so, what is this moment teaching me then about my own boundaries and how I like to attach to people? What makes me feel safe in a relationship? And if I need, if I let go of needing them to understand, so often we get stuck in confusion of maybe they just misunderstood me. Well, maybe they didn't. Maybe they just have a different value system, or maybe it's just a different point of view. Um, when I let go of them needing to understand or agree with me, then I have a freedom to say I wish you the best and just to enjoy what they have to say. So when we get to that point, then we start asking ourselves, what's a response that honors my own peace? If I'm at peace in myself, it doesn't matter what's going on around me. People can just look at me and argue or whatever else. I had someone try to argue with me last night about something, I just looked at them and said, hmm, maybe so, and walked on because I'm like, that argument you're having is about you, has nothing to do with me. And I can say that and still love that person and not be offended. Now, whether or not they were offended, I'm not really worried about. Um, so I'm honoring my own peace, my own integrity, and my own emotions. And I respected that person's humanity. They can think what they want, and I don't need to defend myself. I can think what I want. And my compassion to them was to not challenge them. You're okay to be there, but it's also me just being okay and not getting anxious about my thoughts and beliefs and responding to that, just being secure in myself. And that is what it looks like a lot of times, just to wish you the best. Maybe so. A lot of times people are offended by that response because they look for the dialogue. They're looking for validation in the conflict or the conversation. It's not your job. We can validate ourselves, but not others.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Yes. Well, Anne, thank you so much for walking us through this powerful and necessary process. We'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

Oh, thanks, Sophia. Um, I hope this reflection resonated with you. If it did, share with someone that might need to hear it. And may you see with mercy, respond with wisdom, and stay grounded in peace.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Thanks for tuning in to Ask Anchester Therapy Talks. If today's episode hit home and you live in Texas, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Ann at Anchester.com. Or just give her a call at 817-939-7884. Let's start the conversation because it doesn't have to be that way. Until next time, take care.